paranoia, paranoia, everybody's comin to get me...

it all started monday afternoon...i was POSITIVE that i was being followed home, looking through my rearview mirror every 15 seconds, checking my blind spot every 10, craning my neck around to make sure my mirror was working... and as it turns out, when i got home, there was not one car full of scary people pulling in behind me to murder me on my doorstep. PHEEW! next i walked into the house, and imediately i KNEW someone was there that shouldn't be...an intruder perhaps?! how could my mom be sitting so happily, talking on the phone when certain death if not raping and pillaging was only moments away?! honestly?! oh, dont worry, no one else was there. then mom and i decide to drive down to the local Whal-Mhart in search of the illusive long-enough-for-Marilyn-swimming shorts that didn't cost 50 bucks. no luck there, even though i kept seeing the same bearded whally-whorld-whorker every time i looked up and i knew he was after us. turns out he was just pushing around giant pallats of merch. mom and i decide then and there to book it over to Provo Towne Center, and long story short, we tried on a few shorts and i even got a new bathing suit, but all the while i knew deep down in my heart that the sales girl was calling me Fatty McFatterson behind my back and doing impressions of shamu the whale as i asked for a larger size than 7 in swim shorts. (HOW DARE I BE BIGGER THAN A SEVEN?!?!) when we finally got home, i was determined to clean my bedroom, and all the while i was sure that dancin' Danny was outside looking in...creepy feeling, but it kept me from cleaning nakey, if i was ever tempted to clean nakey... i went to bed and actually slept fairly well, woke up and went to work, where the paranoia plagued me all morning and various customers seemed to be either mocking my ability as a desk girl or trying to corner me and rob me of my virtue and monies. as i walked to the bank, i saw the same creepy guy that sits outside nordsrtom everyday, with his book, his fisherman hat and his teva's and knew that it was finally the day that he was going to try to rob me of the store deposit! he didn't, he just sat there like usual. i tried to call one of my sisters and when she didn't answer i was sure i had done something to upset her and that she thought i was a horrible person and never wanted to speak to me again, until she called me back 2 minutes later... then i decided i was hungry and taco bell would be my lunch, i walked to the food court and realized that everyone i passed was staring at the hugeungo double zit on my froehead! how the HELL can they see it through my bangs?! impossible, i realized, they can't see it. they must smell something and think it's me...oh crap! wait, i smell like cool water perfume...it's not stinky. then, as i ordered my crunch wrap supreme minus the tomato and sour cream, i saw the sneer in the order guy's eyes, i heard the laughter coming from the back room and knew they must have been laughing at the silly white girl (even though they were white too) that doesn't like tomatoes or sour cream on her MEXICAN food. then to make matters worse, as soon as i finished ordering, the order guy walked back there and said or did something that had the whole place rolling on the floor laughing... crap, he just loogied in my nacho cheese! good thing i have control over my drink choice or it would surely have a taco bell sized spit ball in it too! as i sat down and inspected my crunch wrap for any spit balls, loogies or boogers, i realized something was fast approching, which would explain the tenderness in the chestal area, the heightened sense of smell, the forehead and nose full of zits, the mouth full of canker sores, the aching back, the sore legs, the thoughts of how i'm the ugliest person in the world, all the thinking about how chubby my thighs and butt are AND my paranoia... damn being a woman! curse it!